


When the Train Comes off the Tracks

by Sir_Weston



Category: South Park
Genre: Adventure, Affairs, Attempted Murder, Competition, Conflicting Feelings, F/M, M/M, Metaphors, One-Sided Attraction, Secrets, status quo - Freeform, things get strange
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-22 22:51:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11976708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sir_Weston/pseuds/Sir_Weston
Summary: After a dare makes Stan start to have conflicting feelings for his best friend, things in South Park start to go wrong. People are betraying their friends, and life doesn't make sense anymore. So, in order to get things to return to normal, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman decide to go find and fix the status quo. But with a long, hard journey ahead of them, not everyone wants things to return to normal. Will things ever be the same in South Park? And what secrets are the kids hiding to themselves?





	1. Derailing the Train

None of the kids would ever remember how it started or even what led up to it. Token’s party at his house was in full swing. All of the fourth graders were there, enjoying themselves. Then, someone randomly suggested they should play “Truth or Dare.” For some reason they all thought it was a great idea.  
Because they’re children, none of them really chose truth, choosing instead to dare each other to do stupid things, and trying to outdo each other with how crazy a dare they could ask one another of. “Hey Butters! I dare you to run around the block naked!”  
“Okay!” Then he quite eagerly started stripping until he was buck naked and dashed out of the house. The group stared after him in surprise.  
“Wow, I didn’t think he would do it so willingly,” Clyde, who had issued the dare to Butters, said in amazement.  
“Who’s next?”  
“Oh! I’ll go next!” Cartman offered. Stan suddenly had a sinking feeling in his gut as Cartman looked around the group, trying to determine his victim. His eyes drifted past Kyle who was sitting next to Stan, then settled on Stan himself. A wicked grin spread across his face, and Stan could tell he wasn’t going to like this.  
“Staaaaan!” Cartman said in a sing-song voice, “I dare you… to kiss Kyle!”  
“Dude! Fuck off with that!” Kyle immediately shouted, glaring at the fat boy.  
Cartman stuck his tongue out him, but addressed Stan. “Come on, Stan! I dared you! You can’t back out of a dare!”  
“Come on, Cartman,” Stan muttered, “I’m not going to kiss my best friend! That’s fucking weird!” Plus, he told himself, Wendy is here, and I don’t want her walking in and seeing me kissing Kyle!  
“If you don’t do it, we’re going to make fun of you in class all week for being a sissy,” Craig promised him, “And possibly into high school.” Everyone else started agreeing with him.  
Cartman sneered at Stan with the biggest self-satisfied grin on his face he had ever made. Stan glared back at the group, especially Cartman.  
“If I do go along with this, you’re just going to make fun of us, saying we’re gay!” he accused, knowing Cartman far too well. The fat ass looked annoyed.  
“I will not!” Cartman defended himself.  
Stan opened his mouth to argue, but at that moment Butters came running back into the room, out of breath and still naked.  
“Hey guys,” he greeted, once he regained his breath, “What’d I miss?”  
“Stan is going to kiss Kyle,” Clyde informed him.  
“I am not!” Stan hissed at him. He turned to Cartman angrily. “Come on man! Just dare me to do something else!”  
Cartman stubbornly folded his arms. “Just do it, you wuss!” he insisted, “It’s not like it has to be that long! And I promise I won’t even take pictures!”  
Stan sighed with annoyance, but realized he wasn’t going to be able to get out of doing this. He looked over at Kyle who simply stared back at him with a look that said “don’t you dare throw up on me!” He looked back at Cartman and the others.  
“Fine!” he sighed in defeat, “If it’ll get you guys off my back!”  
As Cartman’s stupid grin got even wider, Stan turned back to Kyle, who was staring at him with a blank, unreadable expression. Bracing himself, he leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to Kyle’s. He found himself taking a sharp breath and uneasiness rose in his throat but he fought it back. He could feel all eyes on him as he kissed his friend. After enough time had passed, he quickly pulled back, a look of shock on his face.  
Cartman was rolling with laughter, while Craig and Clyde were smirking at him, and Butters was trying not to laugh long enough to put his clothes back on. Stan had never felt so annoyed, angry, and… confused.  
After everyone had calmed down, they resumed their game of dare, with Craig daring Clyde to throw himself off the second-floor balcony, Token daring Kenny to prank call Mr. Garrison, Butters daring Kevin to sing “Let it Go” at the top of his lungs, and Kenny daring Cartman to chug hot sauce until he puked. (Token had a particular problem with this last dare, because he had to clean it up.)  
Stan watched their antics from a distance, dropping out of the game after his kiss with Kyle. He felt so… weird. He had only kissed Wendy a couple of times, and it had been amazing of course. But was kissing his best friend supposed to feel so… right?  
He was startled when Kyle suddenly sat down beside him holding a bottle of water. He didn’t seem phased at all.  
“Soooo… that was weird, huh?” Kyle said in his most nonchalant voice, “But at least no one can call you a wuss, right?”  
“I guess so,” Stan replied. Why was he being so casual about it? Didn’t that freak him out at all?  
“Anyway,” Kyle continued, “Did you understand last night’s homework? I think Mr. Garrison secretly hates us. Who gives fourth graders pre-calculous math problems?”  
“Dude!” Stan snapped at him, annoyed. Why wasn’t he more upset? Why wasn’t he confused like he was? Kyle gave him a bewildered look.  
“What?” Kyle wondered.  
Stan sighed. “Nothing,” he muttered.

…

Later that night, all the kids were laying around in their sleeping bags passed out. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman lay near each other, but Stan couldn’t sleep. Why was he feeling so conflicted? It had just been a dare! It didn’t mean anything… right?  
Sighing, Stan sat up and looked over to where Kyle was fast asleep. He had to know. He was never going to be satisfied unless he did something. Stan carefully got out of his sleeping bag and tip-toed over to Kyle. He gently shook him awake.  
“Huh? What?” Kyle mumbled, waking up. Muttering and rubbing his eyes, he looked around, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Then he spotted Stan kneeling next to him. “Stan?” he said tiredly, “What time is it?”  
“Late,” Stan admitted. “I wanted to ask you something.”  
Kyle slowly blinked at him. “What?”  
“Can I kiss you again?”  
There was a very long pause and for a moment Stan thought Kyle had fallen back asleep.  
“I must be really tired,” Kyle mumbled eventually, “For a moment it sounded like you asked to kiss me again.”  
“I did.”  
Kyle sat up and rubbed the tiredness from his eyes. He suddenly became wide awake. “Wait… really?” he asked. Stan nodded, and Kyle desperately wanted to ask why. But he knew Stan wouldn’t give him an answer. At least, not a straight answer. So, instead, Kyle simply took a deep breath. “Ok.”  
“Ok?”  
Kyle nodded. “Ok,” he said again. “Just…try not to make it too weird or anything.”  
Stan held his breath. Then he leaned in and gently kissed Kyle. Instantly, he felt his heart race and he couldn’t breathe. He pressed just a bit harder, kissing his friend deeply. He practically had to fight to keep his tongue in his mouth. He felt himself starting to shake slightly, and he knew he should stop, but he really didn’t want to. Only when he felt like he was going to pass out from lack of air did he finally stop. He pulled back and stared at Kyle, who stared back at him, wide eyed.  
“Thanks,” Stan mumbled before quickly heading back to his own sleeping blanket.  
“Don’t mention it,” Kyle said in a low voice, baffled as to what just happened


	2. Coming the 'Round the Mountain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wendy and Kyle discuss Stan's odd behavior.

Stan couldn’t focus all week. He could barely look Kyle in the face without feeling weird. He was glad the others had kept their promise to not tease him about the kiss, but he still felt a great deal of inner turmoil. Why was he feeling so weird and conflicted about his best friend? Did he… have feelings for Kyle? Was that even possible?  
Kyle didn’t seem to be having that problem. Even about the second kiss. The next day at school, he walked up to Stan. “So, that happened last night, huh?” he said casually, “It was kind of strange, but I think it would probably be best if neither of us ever brought it up again for the rest of our lives.”  
“Er, yeah, totally,” Stan agreed awkwardly.  
“Anyway, I asked my mom about the homework last night,” Kyle continued, as if nothing had happened, “And even she couldn’t figure it out.”  
Stan had never felt so confused. While on the bus home that Friday, he stared out the window, trying to collect his thoughts, when he suddenly felt someone beside him. He turned and was a little startled to see Wendy sitting there.  
“Hey Stan!” she greeted.  
“Oh, hey Wendy,” he greeted back. But he didn’t have any of the usual shyness in his voice that he usually had when he talked to her. Wendy frowned a little.  
“Are you ok, Stan?” she asked, concerned, “You’ve been acting rather distant all week. Is everything all right?”  
“Y-yeah,” Stan replied hastily, “I’m fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”  
But Wendy looked skeptical. “If you say so,” she said, not convinced.  
Neither of them said anything for the rest of the ride home. When they got to the bus stop, Stan was the first one off and immediately took off towards home. Kyle had tried to stop him so he could talk to him, but he wasn’t quick enough.  
“Huh. I wonder what he’s in such a hurry for?” he wondered. He suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder, and he spun around to see Wendy.  
“Kyle, can I talk to you privately?” she requested.  
Kyle stared at her, then glanced back and forth down the street to make sure there was no one else around. Then he looked back at her.  
“Um, sure Wendy,” he replied, “Do you mind if we walk to my house, though? My parents expect me home by a certain time.”  
“Of course,” she answered.  
Neither of them said anything on the short walk to Kyle’s house. Even though it was a brief walk, Kyle felt tension in the air as he and Wendy walked not-quite side by side. He was quite relieved when they reached his house.  
“Uh, can I get you anything?” he decided to offer once they were through the front door.  
“No thanks,” Wendy said, shaking her head, “I’m not gonna stay long. I just wanted to talk to you about Stan.”  
“What about Stan?” Kyle wondered, sitting on the couch.  
“Haven’t you noticed he’s been acting a little odd this week?” Wendy inquired.  
Kyle thought about it for a moment. “I guess,” he replied eventually, “I mean, he did get pretty upset at Token’s party, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”  
“What happened at Token’s party?”  
“We were playing a game of truth or dare,” Kyle explained, “We were all daring each other to do some pretty crazy things. I mean, at one point I think Jason was hanging off the chandelier…”  
“Kyle, just tell me what happened with Stan,” Wendy sighed, getting a little impatient.  
“Right,” Kyle muttered, “Well, Cartman dared Stan to kiss me.”  
“What?” Wendy exclaimed. She hadn’t expected that. She had hung out with the other girls at the party, she hadn’t known about the boys’ stupid game. “Why would he dare Stan to kiss you?”  
“It’s Cartman, why does he do anything?” Kyle pointed out, “Because he’s an asshole!”  
“Fair enough.”  
“Anyway, everyone kept pressuring him, and finally he kissed me,” he concluded, “I don’t know why he would be upset about it. It was just a stupid dare. It didn’t mean anything.”  
There was a pause as Kyle contemplated something. “Of course,” he said quietly, “He did ask to kiss me again after that.”  
Wendy stared at him, wide-eyed. She opened her mouth to ask something, but no words came out. She tried to think of something, anything, but in the end, she could only muster up one word: “Why?”  
“I… don’t know,” Kyle confessed, “I didn’t want to pester him by asking. So, I’ve basically been ignoring it happened.”  
“Kyle!” Wendy exclaimed, “Really?! You’ve been ignoring it? That’s probably what’s bugging him so much!”  
“What’s the big deal?” Kyle growled, “You don’t know him as well as I do! He just needs to work it out for himself.”  
“You need to talk to him!” Wendy insisted, tossing her hair.  
“Don’t tell me what to do!” Kyle warned, getting in her face.  
“Don’t threaten me,” Wendy hissed, getting in his face.  
They didn’t know why they did it. Maybe to break the tension, or maybe the writer thought it would be funny, but Kyle and Wendy suddenly closed the gap between them and kissed each other. They grabbed each other, pulling each other in close. It took a minute to realize what they were doing, and their eyes snapped open, and they broke away from each other. Both of them stared at each other in absolute horror.  
“Why did you kiss me?!” Kyle exclaimed.  
“You kissed me!” Wendy accused.  
“No, I didn’t! You made the first move!”  
“Oh God,” Wendy muttered, grabbing her own hair in distress, “Why did we do that? What are we going to do? OH GOD, WHAT WILL STAN THINK!?”  
“Calm down!” Kyle urged, “Stan doesn’t have to know about any of this! It’s not like anyone saw us!”  
Wendy paused to take a deep breath. “You’re right,” she said, “We just go on and act like nothing happened. We tell Stan nothing.”  
“Right,” Kyle murmured, staring at the floor, “Nothing.”  
Little did they know just how difficult that would be. Especially since someone had been staring at them through the window. Watching the whole thing.


	3. The Slap Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Kyle and Wendy are acting weird, and their friends want to know why.

When Kyle came to the bus stop the next morning, he was looking down and shuffling his feet. Stan looked over to him and wondered what was wrong. Maybe he finally realized what they had done and started feeling awkward about it like Stan. Glad to see he was actually starting to take it seriously. Stan was still feeling awkward about all of it.  
“What’s wrong with you, Jew?” Cartman asked, nudging Kyle so hard in the side he nearly fell over.  
“Nothing,” Kyle muttered after righting himself, “I just… didn’t get enough sleep last night. That’s all.”  
“Heh, sure,” Cartman sneered, “If you say so.”  
Kyle rolled his eyes, but didn’t reply. Stan stared at him as his friend shuffled his feet on the ground. He could tell there was something more going on, but he didn’t want to pressure him. They were all relieved when the bus finally rolled up.  
When they were all on, Stan went to sit beside Kyle as usual. Even though he was feeling weird right now, that didn’t mean he was going to abandon his best friend. Kyle moved over to the window and pressed himself against the side of the bus, giving Stan lots of extra room. Stan found it a little odd, but not enough to comment. He looked up as Wendy got on.  
“Oh, hi Wendy!” he greeted her, deciding to be friendlier than he was yesterday.  
Wendy startled a bit when she was addressed. “Oh! Er, uh, hi Stan!” she said quickly, running to her seat and avoiding eye contact.  
Stan blinked and turned to Kyle.  
“That was strange,” he observed, “I wonder what’s bothering her?”  
Kyle jumped a bit. “I don’t know!” he exclaimed in a louder than needed voice, “Why are you asking me? I don’t know anything!”  
“Dude, calm down,” Stan said quietly, “You’re spazzing out.”  
“I’m not spazzing out! You’re spazzing out!” Kyle shouted in a very spazzy way.  
Stan stared at him, not really knowing what to make of his reaction. Just as he was about to question him, the bus pulled up to the school, and Kyle practically threw Butters out of the way in his haste to get out. The rest of the kids followed him more slowly.  
Class went on somewhat normally, except that Kyle and Wendy sat far away from each other and Stan. Cartman and Kenny noticed this as well, as they looked confused between the three of them.  
“M’kay, so as you all know, the state regional tests are commin’ up,” Mr. Mackey was explaining, “That means everyone has to do some physical tests and some academic ones as well.”  
Everyone in the class groaned at the news. But Mr. Mackey ignored them.  
“And we have to do well,” he said, “And that means every student has to pass. Because if just one student fails, we all fail. And if we fail, the state will cut our school’s funding, m’kay? And that’s bad, because PC Principal will get angry, m’kay?”  
Again, everyone groaned.  
“Now, let’s open our books up to page 62, m’kay?”  
The class obeyed, but Stan, Cartman, and Kenny couldn’t help but notice that Kyle and Wendy had practically slammed their faces into their books and refused to look up.  
At lunch time, the four friends got their food and sat at their regular table, but Kyle wouldn’t look at any of them. He simply stared down at his food, not eating, with his eyes darting to the side occasionally.  
“(Hey Kyle, you all right?)” Kenny asked him, reaching over the table to poke him.  
“Uh, I have to go see to something,” Kyle said quickly. He excused himself and nervously shuffled out of the cafeteria.  
“What’s with him?” Cartman wondered, taking a big bite of his sandwich.  
“I don’t know,” Stan muttered, “He and Wendy have been acting weird all day. Avoiding me, avoiding each other…”  
“Wait a minute,” Cartman said, “I think I know what’s going on here.”  
“(You do?)” Kenny asked, surprised.  
“The avoiding eye contact, the lame excuses, the looks on their faces,” Cartman explained, “Those were looks of shame, my friends. Guys, I believe that Kyle and Wendy had sex with each other!”  
Silence met his declaration. Stan frowned. “No, Cartman,” he growled.  
“But what if-“  
“No.”  
“Just here me out-“  
“NO, Cartman!”  
“(You know what it might be?)” Kenny interjected, “(Maybe they kissed in a moment weakness or something and are too ashamed to admit it.)”  
Stan scoffed. “That’s ridiculous, Kenny!” he said, “Kyle would tell me if something like that happened! He’s my best friend!”  
“Of course, it’s ridiculous!” Cartman agreed.  
“Thank you,” Stan sighed.  
“Because they had sex!” Eric finished.  
Stan gave him an annoyed glare. “I need another drink,” he muttered. He got up and walked back to the food line as Butters came over and sat down.  
“Hey, fellas!” he greeted happily, “Whatchya guys up to?”  
“We’re trying to figure out why Wendy and Kyle are acting strange,” Cartman explained, “I think it’s because they had sex, and Kenny stupidly thinks it’s because they kissed and ‘feel ashamed about it.’”  
“(They didn’t have sex, dude,)” Kenny sighed, rolling his eyes.  
“Ok,” Cartman grinned evilly, “How about we bet on it? Fifty bucks says they had sex.”  
“(Dude! I don’t have fifty bucks!)” Kenny growled.  
Cartman scoffed. “Well what do you have then?” he wondered. Kenny thought for a moment. Then an idea came to him.  
“(You know what we could do,)” he said slowly, “(Is a slap bet.)” Cartman’s face lit up.  
“Oh! A slap bet!” he exclaimed excitedly, “I haven’t done one of those in a while!”  
“What’s a slap bet?” Butters wondered.  
“(Basically, whoever wins gets to slap the other guy in the face as hard as they can,)” Kenny explained, “(But no rings!)”  
As Cartman nodded with excitement, Butters looked apprehensive. “I don’t know, fellas,” he whined, “That seems kinda dangerous and juvenile…”  
“You can be Slap-Bet Commissioner,” Cartman promised him.  
Butters immediately lit up. “Ooh, I love it!” he exclaimed, excitedly clapping his hands, “What are my powers?”  
“(If a problem arises that needs a ruling, that’s where you come in,)” Kenny explained.  
“But you must remain impartial, and unbiased,” Cartman added, “You will take this with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will read,” he held up his hands for emphasis, “Caring son, loyal husband, Slap-Bet Commissioner.”  
“(And your tombstone will read ‘Got slapped by Kenny so hard, he died,’” Kenny said, a smug grin on his face. Cartman glared at him.  
“All right,” he growled, “The slap bet is on!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've seen "How I Met Your Mother" you will get the joke of this chapter.


	4. All the Live Long Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the tests PC Principal reveals hidious T-Shirts the students have to wear. Then Stan confronts Kyle.

Stan was starting to hate school. All the students were being pressured by these tests, which just put more stress in his already hectic life. His friends weren’t helping, either. Kenny and Cartman were too into their “slap-bet,” and Kyle and Wendy were still acting weird. Not that Stan had suddenly gone back to acting normal or anything.  
It was during a school assembly when Stan really realized just how… different his life was starting to turn out. PC Principal was addressing the students about the tests and how super-duper important they were. If he heard any more about these stupid tests, he felt he would explode.  
“All right students, listen up!” PC Principal announced, “In order to promote team work and dissuade any bullying, I have designed a T-Shirt for everyone to wear while everyone is taking these tests. This includes the physical education ones!”  
Instead of the cheers PC Principal was expecting, this news was met with groans. They were met with even more groans when Mr. Mackey came out with a large box and revealed the T-Shirt design.  
There was no thought put into the design whatsoever. Every ugly pukey color seemed to be splattered haphazardly across the shirt, with only like, one or two pleasing colors. If one looked closely enough, one could see the “picture” was supposed to be a flower, but looking too closely at it might cause one to go blind.  
“I know,” PC Principal said proudly, misinterpreting everyone’s disgusted looks, “I think they turned out pretty well myself. And everyone gets one!”  
Butters raised his hand. “Yes, Butters?” the principal called.  
“Do we have to?” he wondered, his voice filled with disgust. Several students around him all murmured their agreement.  
“Of course!” PC Principal declared, “They represent our unity as a school, so that no one is different! We’re all connected!”  
“Those shirts look like they were designed by a monkey coming off a three-day sugar binge,” Stan muttered to Kenny and Kyle, who were sitting next to him. They both nodded in agreement.  
No one was excited as Mr. Mackey and some of the other teachers started handing out shirts. Stan took his and was going to try to take a better look at it, but just holding it in his hands kind of made him nauseous. Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle were having much of the same reaction.  
After the assembly, the four boys stood together, gazing at their ugly new shirts. It was several minutes before anyone spoke.  
“Do you think PC Principal would accept an excuse of burning the shirt of why we can’t wear it?” Kyle wondered.  
“(He would probably just give you another one,)” Kenny told him.  
“Damn,” Kyle muttered.  
“Ugh, these shirts are making me hungry,” Cartman groaned. He tossed the shirt over his shoulder and started walking towards the cafeteria.  
“What doesn’t make you hungry, fatass?” Kyle wondered.  
“Fuck you, Queer-Jew!” Cartman snarled.  
“Hey, you said you weren’t going to tease us about that!” Stan growled. He tried to hide the blush that was forming on his face.  
Cartman was about to respond, but at that moment there was a loud shout from the principal. “Eric!” he exclaimed, “What are you doing?”  
Startled, Cartman turned around. “Um, going to the cafeteria?” he replied in a confused voice. PC Principal glared down at him.  
“And why is your shirt on the floor?” he demanded.  
Eyes wide, Cartman glanced behind him to where he had thrown the ugly shirt on the floor. Before he could even attempt to explain, PC Principal grabbed him by the ear, dragging him to his office and muttering something about “respecting authority.”  
With that, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were left alone. Before Kenny could say anything, Stan and Kyle quickly walked away in different directions. He sighed heavily.

…

After he got home that night, all Kyle wanted to do was relax and not have to think of anything. Maybe if he relaxed enough he would get over the guilt of kissing Wendy. Apparently, someone didn’t want him to do that, as there was ringing at the door. Sighing, Kyle got up, and went to answer it. He was a little confused when he saw Stan standing there. And also a bit worried. Kyle shuffled his feet a little.  
“Oh, hey dude,” he greeted “What are you doing here?”  
“I want to know what’s going on with you and Wendy!” Stan demanded.  
Kyle gulped. “Er, I don’t know what you mean,” he lied, his eyes shifting to the floor. Stan glared at him.  
“You know perfectly well what I mean!” he snapped, “You and Wendy have been avoiding me, and I want to know why!”  
“We’re not avoiding you!” Kyle claimed, “You’ve been avoiding me! You’ve been acting strange ever since Token’s party!”  
“Don’t try and change the subject,” Stan growled, though he started to look a bit nervous, “This is about you!”  
“Is it?” Kyle accused, “Because where I’m standing it seems like something is bothering you, and you just don’t want to talk about it! You’re always like this, Stan! You never- “  
Kyle was suddenly cut off when Stan cupped his face in his hands, leaned forward and kissed him deeply.


	5. Kyle Blow Your Horn

Kyle had no idea how he and Stan had ended up in his room with Stan laying on top of him, kissing him like crazy. But here they were. And Kyle couldn’t believe how much he was enjoying it. He actually found himself kissing his friend back. What was happening? They weren’t doing anything too intense, just heavy, closed-mouth kissing, but the fact that they were doing this at all was rather frightening to Kyle.

Stan was leaving many kisses on Kyle’s lips, leaving no time for Kyle to speak, however much he wanted to. He was trying to ask what was going on, but his brain was fuzz right now, and Stan was melting all of his common sense.

“Mmm… Stan,” Kyle muttered against his lips, “Shouldn’t we… mmm… talk about this? What’s going on?”

“No,” Stan growled softly, pulling away just slightly to answer, “I’d rather just keep doing this.” But before he could lean in again, Kyle stopped him.

“Stan, we need to talk about this,” he said reasonably, “What has been going on with you recently?” Sighing, Stan sat up and got off of Kyle.

“I’ve been… feeling different ever since Token’s party,” Stan confessed.

“You mean the kiss?” Kyle clarified, “Stan, that was just a dare! It didn’t mean anything!” Stan sighed and shook his head.

“You’ve completely forgotten about the second kiss, haven’t you?” he asked lowly.

Kyle blinked at him. “You mean I didn’t dream that?” he clarified, “That actually happened? Are you sure?”

“Yes, that happened!” Stan sighed. He got off the bed and paced the room as Kyle watched him. “Ever since then, I haven’t been able to think straight.” He suddenly ran over to Kyle and started shaking him violently. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!” he screamed at his friend.

“AAAAH! I DON’T KNOW! WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME?” Kyle yelled, trying to steady himself. Blinking, Stan stopped shaking him and took a step back.

“Oh God,” Stan whispered, “Kyle, I think maybe you should leave.”

Kyle cocked his head and gave him a confused look. “Why?” he wondered.

“Jesus, Kyle! I just need to be alone right now!” Stan snapped at him. Kyle took a startled step back. He stared at the ground and muttered a quick “see ya later,” before quickly scrambling out of the room.

With an angered sigh, Stan flopped down on his bed, staring up at his ceiling. Sleep did not come easy for him that night.

…

“These shirts are physically hurting me,” Cartman muttered the next day as all the forth graders gathered in the gym.

“(Tell me about it,)” Kenny groaned, “(This shirt makes me want to weep then die.)”

“I’m just afraid someone’s going to look directly at the pattern and have a seizure,” Kyle commented, “Somewhere a rainbow is crying.”

None of the students were looking forward to these tests. Personally, Kyle didn’t see the point. Didn’t they do a physical exam just a few months ago? There was an entire episode about it and everything!

He looked up when he heard the gymnasium doors open and Craig and his friends came in. They all looked quite annoyed.

“A little girl outside started crying when she saw this shirt,” Craig told them. Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman nodded in understanding.

“(Hey Kyle,)” Kenny said, changing subjects, “(Where’s Stan?)”

It wasn’t until that moment when Kyle realized Stan wasn’t there. Surprised, he quickly looked around the gym, thinking maybe he just overlooked him. But Stan was nowhere to be seen.

“Um, I’m not really sure,” he admitted. Did he stay home just to avoid me?

Before he could really think about it though, PC Principal came up to the front of the crowd. “All right, students, listen up!” he exclaimed, “We’re going to perform a series of physical tests on all of you, to see where we are compared to the other schools! Now, I want you all to try your hardest on these tests or I will break you!”

“Ugh, I don’t want to do these stupid tests,” Cartman muttered, “I think I’d actually prefer to be in class right now.”

“Well, gee Eric, it can’t be that bad!” Butters consoled, patting him on the shoulder.

“The first test will be the rope climb!” the principal announced.

“Oh, never mind. It is that bad.”

The students lined up according to alphabetical order in front of one of the five rope climbs hanging from the ceiling. Kyle was glad he didn’t have to go first, but he also didn’t like how early he had to go. He knew Cartman would be jeering at him the whole time.

“All right students, on my whistle, start climbing!” PC Principal told them. “Ready?” He got many replies of “no,” but he ignored them.

“GO!” The whistle blew and students started throwing themselves up the rope.


	6. PE Sucks Ass! (Oh, and Some Train Metaphor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rope climbing happens.

Kyle watched as the first few students threw themselves up the rope and desperately tried to climb it. About half of them gave up after ten seconds, and only one or two students made it more than a quarter of the way up. Kyle watched with fascination as one kid slid down the rope and smoke started coming from his hands.

“I am not looking forward to this,” he muttered to himself. He heard Cartman snicker behind him and he tried not to turn and glare at him. He knew that’s what the fat ass wanted.

“Hey Kahl!” Cartman sneered, poking Kyle in the back, “You gonna choke? I would love it if you got half way and fell off! Maybe you could break your neck!”

“Thank you for the load of confidence, Cartman,” Kyle hissed.

Much too soon it was Kyle’s turn to climb. Taking a deep breath, he stepped up to the rope. As he stared up at it, he could swear it started getting longer. But he swallowed his nerves and took a hold. Well, it was sturdy. That’s good. He gave it a few test pulls just to be safe.

“BROFLOVSKI!” PC Principal shouted harshly, “STOP STALLING AND START CLIMBING OR I’LL KICK YOUR ASS!”

Grumbling, Kyle took a good hold of the rope and started to climb. He clenched his teeth and grunted as he pulled his weight off the ground and slowly ascended the rope. His muscles quickly started to ache, but he had to make it further than Cartman ever could.

As he climbed higher and higher, he started to block out all distractions around him. All that mattered was climbing this damn rope. Wait, how high did he have to climb to be considered sufficient? PC Principal hadn’t really told them that.

Huffing, Kyle looked down to see how far he was and immediately froze up. He was a lot higher than he thought he was. The other students were staring up at him in awe and amazement, but now he was frozen in terror.

“Oh God,” he breathed, “I’m stuck.”

Back on the gym floor, Kenny and Cartman stared up at their friend. Why wasn’t he moving? “(Hey Kyle!)” Kenny called up, “(What’s the hold up?)”

“What’s the matter, Jew?” Cartman sneered, “You get cold feet?”

Kenny let out a sigh. “(Oh boy. I think he’s stuck,)” he said.

“Really?” Cartman exclaimed, “That’s hilarious!”

“Well, gee fellas,” Butters said, coming over, “Someone oughtta go get him. I don’t think the principal is gonna do it.” He looked over to where PC Principal was standing, not even sort of paying attention to Kyle or his dilemma.

“I’m not going to do it,” Cartman pointed out, “I would rather he just stay up there.”

Again, Kenny sighed. “(Fine, I’ll go get him down,)” he muttered. He walked over to Kyle’s rope and started climbing. “(Where’s Stan when you need him?)” he grumbled.

Slowly, Kenny climbed up to where Kyle was still clinging to the rope. As he reached his friend, he tried to clear his mind of thoughts about how easy it would be for him to die right now. When he was right below Kyle, he reached up and gave him a nudge.

“(All right, Kyle, you did a good job,)” Kenny assured him, “(It’s time to come down now, though.)”

“Uh-Uh,” Kyle muttered, gripping the rope even tighter.

“(Kyle, honey, you have to come down!)” Kenny pleaded.

“No!” Kyle protested.

“(You can’t stay up here forever!)” Kenny pointed out, “(Your arms will get tired!)”

“Don’t care,” Kyle replied simply.

Sighing again, Kenny inched around Kyle and climbed a little bit more so he could be face to face with him. Kyle stared at him with wide, round, fearful eyes.

“(Don’t worry, Kyle, I’m going to get you down,)” Kenny reassured him. Kyle nodded slowly, but didn’t say anything. Kenny then looked down towards the ground where Cartman and Butters where staring up at them. Then, without any warning, Kenny socked Kyle in the gut, causing him to let go and fall all the way down. His fall was broken when he landed on Cartman, knocking them both to the ground.

As the two of them lay there, groaning in agony, Kenny slowly slid down the rope to them. “(See Kyle? I got you down!)” he said proudly.

“I’m going to murder you, Kenny,” Cartman moaned.

Kyle slowly stood up and tried to straighten himself up. He groaned slightly. “Ugh, thanks, I guess,” he muttered, “Kenny… did you call me honey?”

Kenny stared at him with wide eyes. “(No…)” he replied slowly.

…

As the students’ days went on, no one noticed the nearly invisible mist invading the town, filling people’s lungs. Causing them to change. Not drastically. But just enough. Just enough.


End file.
